Smörpassning - The Myth of EPL Exceptionalism from an MLS-Apologist
Soccer think-pieces that no one asked for.
Welcome to Smörpassning! This is a Swedish word, which translates roughly to “butter pass.” It doesn’t mean anything, apart from that I like butter, and I like passes. I’m a soccer freak, amateur linguist, and the proud owner of more than forty soccer jerseys (most of them knock-offs). In this Substack, I’ll examine soccer in terms of broader and occasionally dumber trends. Sometimes, I’ll even do it irritatingly so! But over everything, thanks for stopping by and making Smörpassning part of your week. Buckle up, kids… it’s gonna be an annoying ride!
If you haven’t already, check out my Search for the Most Linguistically Similar World Cup Group in History!
If you’re here, it means you probably like talking about soccer! And what a useful tool that can be!
Knowing a token player or club from any given country can spark and nice (if shallow) conversation full of reminiscing and reliving classic moments. Most worldwide soccer fans are broadly familiar with the power dynamics in England, Spain, and Italy, while the more specialized wade into knowledge of, say, the Argentinean and Brazilian leagues, and perhaps even Portugal and the Netherlands. Real hipsters can talk your ear off about the J-League or even the Copa Sudamericana.
The question is invariably posed: “Who do you support?” I have a variety of answers to this, given that I allow myself fandom of one team per confederation, given that the likelihood of any two of my teams facing off in any sort of competitive match is statistically zero. Do I answer with Arsenal, the team that made me fall in love with the game, knowing that it will get me labeled a glory-hunting Eurosnob? Or perhaps Independiente, my South American love, but a team that will get me labeled an insufferable soccer hipster? No, neither of those is the true answer. In reality, I am a fan of the New York Red Bulls.
“Oh, that’s cool,” most people say, and then move on with the conversation. There tends to be very little judgment nor further explanation of the topic required. Occasionally someone will toss in a “Thierry Henry” or “Rafa Marquez” This is how normal people react, in the real world where we breathe and talk and can read other people’s body language.
I consume soccer on a pretty egalitarian level. However there seems to be a universal agreement among internet soccer fans (these are the people who insist on calling it “football,” accusing people with whom they disagree of being “Yanks,” and ham-fistedly toss wannabe BritSlang such as “mate” into casual conversation) that there really isn’t any point in consuming Major League Soccer on any level. The criticisms are myriad, and as a dyed-in-the-wool MLS fan I find them tremendously off-putting, but as soon as we examine the latest trends of soccer fandom in the United States we realize that many people do agree with this take, preferring instead to don the jerseys of their favorite EPL or La Liga teams in lieu of their local MLS club.
In this essay I’ll examine some of the chiefest reasons cited by EuroSnobs as to why the English Premier League specifically is a better watch than MLS, and dismantle them bolt by bolt.
Reason #1: The quality of play is soooooooooo much better!
Go on Reddit, Instagram, or your favorite dying social media app. If you follow enough soccer accounts, you’ll invariably stumble upon some video from an MLS game of a defender making a bad mistake or a striker missing an almost-too easy chance. Make an additional mistake by scrolling through the comments, and you’ll be met with some of these gems:
“Mickey Mouse league!”
“Wow, just when I thought MLS couldn’t get any more shit…”
“Least embarrassing MLS highlight”
The young people can barely hide their contempt for America’s Top Flight! Invariably, when pushed back upon, these internet commentators will let you know that the real league you should be watching is the English Premier League, because the quality of play(tm) is soooooo much better!
But is this true? Does the EPL represent a higher level of soccer than our lowly imitation across the pond?
It’s true that England has seen such an infusion of cash into soccer that their clubs can afford to buy the best players and coaches in the world. Added together, this creates a game which can be fast, possession-oriented, and smash-mouth, whereas the leagues of Europe can be slower, more pensive and methodical. Who doesn’t love to watch a fast game?
I could write for thousands of words about the fact that English teams haven’t fared very well against European competition lately, which would seem to indicate that the modern English game is full of fatal flaws. I could also point to the fact that when fans are celebrating swashbuckling, seat-of-your-pants matches for the ages, they’re generally only referring to games between the top four or five teams. Down at the bottom of the table, things look a lot more MLSey. We could spend ages discussing the fact that Guardiola-ball has turned a game once built on individual expression and moments of brilliance into a highly scripted chess match carried out by joyless robots (while also needing the finger on the scale of 130 financial crimes to do so).
But that’s not the point. If you must know, the point is: None of this takes away from enjoyment of MLS.
A parallel set of leagues exists in the United States. It’s of a sport that has millions of fans. One league is slower-paced, with frequently younger players who all dream of moving one day to the bigger league. The rules are slightly different, but there are plenty of fans who rabidly consume both versions of the same game without elevating one over the other.
I refer, of course, to College Football and the NFL.
There is space in our overcrowded sports landscape for both MLS and European leagues. Perhaps it’s a symptom of our internalized Americanism of wanting to be the best all the time, but fans of MLS have either accepted that we don’t have the best soccer league full of the best soccer players in the world, and that’s okay. And spare me the irritating “Inshallah, we’ll be the best league in fifteen to twenty years,” because that’s nothing more than institutionalized organizational copium.
Watch a match in Brazil or Argentina. Historic teams full of talented players litter both leagues, but on a technical level these teams are not operating on the level of Manchester City or Liverpool. Would you look a supporter of Boca Juniors or Flamengo in the eye and tell them “You know what? It’s really a very stupid thing you’re doing, supporting your team, because were you aware that there are other, better teams out there?”
No, you most certainly would not, because these fans don’t spend their time splitting hairs trying to parse out what soccer they ought to be watching to get, what, the most existentially-perfect viewing experience? The EPL can be tremendously fun and I enjoy watching it, but we’re kidding ourselves if we think that it somehow ruins all other leagues for us. Does eating a Wagyu beef burger covered with gold flakes ruin going to Wendy’s? I would posit that it does not!
Lest we forget: the traditional “English Style” of soccer is synonymous with ugly, lump-it-forward-to-the-big-guy tactics. These tactics continue to be on display if you watch the Evertons and Burnleys of the world. The recent trend toward possession and intricate passing networks owes everything to continental coaches and players, and has little to do with any sort of aesthetic innate to the EPL (Or Football League, for that matter) itself.
Reason #2: Nothing Matches the Atmosphere of the EPL!
Raucous crowds packed into intimate stadiums, baying for the blood of the opposition! Legions of drunken fans singing in unison clever little songs that even sometimes include swears! And don’t forget the pies!
Swooning American fans often repeat these talking points as reasons for going gaga over the EPL. Why can’t our MLS stadiums recreate these cauldrons of faith and fury?
Well, many people have pointed out that they frequently do. Even my poorly-attended home-away-from-home Red Bull Arena felt like a box full of firecrackers back at that second home derby in 2015 (also known as the Lampard/Pirlo old man tifo game).
But from where does this legend of British atmosphere really come? It turns out that the answer is criminals. The “football culture” of Britain is, in some ways, a holdover from the days of pre-Premier League hooliganism in the sixties, seventies, and eighties. The soccer stadium was an open forum on which frustrations with Britain’s economic, political, and social upheaval could be taken out on the poor fans of whichever team yours happened to be playing that weekend. (Football was considered such a violent, brawl-inducing sport that monarchs as far back as Edward II in the 1300s banned its playing.)
This hooliganism reached its climax in the 1980s, when 35 people were killed in violence between Liverpool and Juventus fans, and again in 1989 when the Hillsborough Stadium disaster ended with 97 fans (including children) dead in a crush.
English fans are feared at international competitions because of the chaos and violence they frequently bring. Soccer is not a high-falutin’ sport of the educated but instead a low-down game for the everyman. I tend to enjoy this part of it, but it’s important to note that none of what is done in the name of fandom in Britain is done in any sort of performative sense.
So why the fetishization of American fans? I think that college-aged people just want to go to events that feel fun and crazy. That’s the only way to explain why music festivals have such high attendance. Contrast this with the rather sterile environment of slower-paced American sports and it’s not crazy to understand. The names of clubs, the architecturally-unique stadiums, and the funny accents add to the allure.
But we should be exceedingly careful in our attempts to recreate English soccer atmospheres on this side of the pond. NFL fans are generally considered to be drunken boors, and people are frequently advised against taking their children to games before a certain age. That said, I’ve been to plenty of NFL games and gotten plenty drunk at them, and I’ve not felt particularly unsafe at any of them. Isolated incidents exist, but they are very much the exceptions and not the rule.
Sure, it’s fun to wear a black jacket, drape a scarf around your neck, and do a slightly British vocal affect as you sing that “Kai Havertz scores again.” But what you’re really doing borders on cultural appropriation (I’m half-kidding) and you, a college-educated, upper-middle class person, would be exactly the type to be called a “wanker” by the fans you so desperately choose to emulate.
This brings us to the stadiums themselves. Remember last year when Luton Town got promoted to the Premier League and everybody laughed at how people had to get into the stadium through some guy’s living room or something?
For us, charming 20,000 seaters tucked into sleepy London neighborhoods may have us daydreaming of tea and crumpets. But as NFL and NBA teams are perfecting the business of “Game-day Experience,” going to an EPL game can be a crapshoot in terms of facilities and enjoyment.
Reason #3: Every Game Counts!
The one thing that American sports have going for them is parity. While dynasties exist, every team can enter every season with a sense of optimism that “this is going to be our year!”
This parity is compounded even further at the business-end of the season when we arrive at PLAYOFF TIME! Ah, the playoffs! A wonderful, chaotic world in which the patterns of the regular season are thrown asunder and anyone can beat anyone on any given Sunday!
This parity is compounded even FURTHER further when we consider the draft system that exists in the NFL and NBA, specifically, which awards bad teams for being bad by giving them a shot at selecting better young players.
While MLS does not rely on the draft system to nearly the same extent as its sister North American leagues, it still exists, and has been used by MLS clubs to varying degrees of success.
All this is to say, a major gripe leveled against MLS (and other North American Leagues) is that too many regular-season games just don’t matter. If your team has already locked up a playoff spot or has been eliminated from contention, you’re forced to sit through a lame-duck ending to the season that’s almost worse than having no season at all.
But not the Premier League! Every single game matters on the other side of the pond! Whether it’s fighting for those precious European places or battling against the dreaded RELEGATION, each club is forced to claw and scrap until the very end of the season!
Except, in the 2023-2024 season there were really only four teams that were in any danger of relegation by the last few game weeks. Brentford in 16th were mathematically-safe with four games to spare. Everton in 15th were only ever relegation candidates because of a dramatic points deduction for financial misconduct.
But if only four teams at the bottom of the table were playing meaningful games by season’s, lets look at the top half! Manchester United robbed one of England’s Europa League places by winning the FA Cup, so that left only five spots up for grabs in competitions that anyone actually wants any part of. (Granted, the teams didn’t know that at the time, since the FA Cup final is played after the PL season is over.) Chelsea limped their way to a sixth-place finish and the coveted Europa Conference League, a competition so prestigious that Chelsea reportedly had a team of lawyers review the potential consequences if they decided to plain-old not field a team for it.
West Ham down in ninth were conceivably in with a shot, so if we run the numbers we’re left with 13 of 20 teams actually playing for anything in the last handful of game weeks. And these numbers are incredibly generous, I might add. That leaves a whole bundle of games which don’t really mean a damn thing.
But the title race sure is exciting! I’ll give the Premier League that much. Except for the fact that the same team has won it four years in a row, and eight out of the last thirteen, a team which has also been charged by its own league with financial crimes so broad and sweeping that to publically affirm them would do the league itself irreparable harm. Oh well.
Conclusion: I’m a fan of the English Premier League. I enjoy watching it and will continue to do so. That said, there’s no way it should be used by men with ironic mustaches as a cudgel to diminish interest in our own league: Major League Soccer.
From whence does the hate stem? I’m no psychologist, but I’ll give it a shot. Hipsterism is certainly a factor, insofar as people like saying that they’re fans of something obscure. Cosplayism has its part as well, with the Harry Potter-heads and Tea-aboos of the world loving any excuse to interact with what they perceive to be quaint British culture. Could fear and suspicion play a role? Could the Eurosnobs among us have noticed the gains of MLS in recent years, what with the arrival of Lionel Messi and Co? Do they fear the day a closed, franchise-based system usurps the one they see as an egalitarian meritocracy (despite all evidence to the contrary) as the world’s dominant soccer destination? Maybe.
Join us next week at Smörpassning for an examination of biased television commentary!